Tag Archives: movies

Apr26

10 Reasons to Love Batman. (Incase you were on the fence)

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So I, being only biologically human, am growing impatient with always writing about ugly things. I know the whole purpose is to show you dear readers that these things are actually beautiful, but today I’m going to show you something beautiful. (Okay, maybe beautiful is a stretch, but can we all just agree that Batman is pretty rad?)

Here are 10 legitimate reasons to love Batman.

10) Franchise evolved positively

From Robin having (unfortunately) skin colored tights and the confusing mask Adam West sported to the menacing look and behavior that we associate with Christian Bale’s Batman , I’d say we’ve come a long way. Other improvements include the evolution of the Bat-mobile as well as the Bat-suit. Speaking of which…

"It's not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me." http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120113035139/batman/images/6/6b/DK-0113.jpg

“It’s not who I am underneath, but what I do that defines me.”
http://img3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20120113035139/batman/images/6/6b/DK-0113.jpg

9) The nipples on the Bat-suit.

Some try to ignore it, some try to embrace it, but no one can deny it.

8) Best Villans

Batman has encountered some of the most prime villains ever seen on the silver screen or the colored pages of a comic book.  My favorites include (but are not limited to) Bane, Dr. Hurt, The Riddler, The General, and (of course) The Joker.

7) Realistically Futuristic

No matter when you are experiencing Batman, the story always takes place a couple years in the future. We can’t accept that this COULD be happening now, but, I mean, it sort of is. Biology altering chemicals, mutated animals, corruption, they’re all here, happening now. The best and worst part of Batman is how plausible it is. No one can ever imagine getting saved by an alien from Krypton, but a billionaire philanthropist turned dark knight? Plausible.

6) Works alone, but acknowledges when he needs outside help.

When we think of people that we know that come off as strong, intimidating, or fearless, we think of detachment, brawn, and isolation. While Batman is certainly brawny (you can say that again), he isn’t as detached or isolated as he’d like to be. He tries to accept the death of his friends and family, but he can’t. He is only human, after all. Remember when I said that even Batman cries? Well he does. And he’s friggin’ Batman. But not really. He’s actually Bruce Wayne. (Spoiler alert). But in his adventures and close calls, he’s always got Robin and Gordon looking out for him. And Alfred. So even Batman isn’t afraid to swallow his pride and ask for help. (Sometimes)

5) The Bat-mobile

Need I say anymore? I know I mentioned it earlier as having evolved positively with the franchise, which it certainly has, but it was always pretty awesome.

4) Bruce Wayne

A billionaire orphan who spends his money buying hotels and his time as Gotham’s worst vigilante. Can it get better than that?

3) He’s an underdog

Yeah, against the average crook he’s got some advantages, but against his more worthy opponents, he’s usually a few steps behind. Whether it’s Bane’s sheer strength or Ivy’s vine-strangling-power or Mister Freeze’s ice-cold personality, most of his enemies have advantages. Or they’re, you know, crocodiles. That happened.

2) His cape actually has a purpose.

Batman’s cape has been engineered to help him fly, you know, like a bat. I think this is important to note since other superheroes like Superman and Thor have unnecessary capes.  They can both fly on there own, so what’s with the cape? Which brings me to number 1.

1) Batman doesn’t actually have any superpowers.

This makes him more accessible to us other humans. We can relate to him. We can hope (desperately) for him to be real. Sure, we could say the same thing about Spiderman, but then we’d have to wait for a spider with mutating venom to be discovered.

So there’s 10 legitimate reasons to love Batman, incase you were on the fence. He’s pretty spectacular.

Bruce, don’t forget the glitter. -iamtheseventies.

PS

There are several places called Gotham, and while there is no Gotham City, there is a place in Wisconsin called Gotham and they have a Bat Cave restaurant. Bucket List? Check.

 

 

Apr24

Weekly Famous Person Quote

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“Why do we fall, Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up.” -Thomas Wayne

"Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman." http://www.alanbaxteronline.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/the-dark-knight-rises-new-featurette.jpg

“Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman. Then be Batman.”
http://www.alanbaxteronline.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/the-dark-knight-rises-new-featurette.jpg

 

Apr16

Why It Shouldn’t Matter That Christian Bale Was Married By Elvis (but it does)

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I recently learned that Christian Bale and then girlfriend Sibi Blazic eloped in 200o and were married in none other than Las Vegas, Nevada by none other than Elvis Presley himself. (ok it was impersonator, but that’s almost worse.) The two have been happily married for 14 years, have one child, and are expecting their second. So if they’re so happy, why am I still hung upon this?!

Still in love

Still in love Source

 

I don’t know why, but I felt let down by this knowledge. I’d always imagined the Bales having a nice small wedding, very modest and humble, somewhere remote but nice. Maybe Brazil. Not running away to Vegas and getting married by an ELVIS IMPERSONATOR. It just seems so…. trashy? Lame? Un-romantic? It feels like something Katy Perry would do. Not Cristian flippin’ Bale. It felt less than perfect. But then I’d stop and think to myself: why do I even care?

Veags with a happy ending Source

Vegas with a happy ending
Source

The truth is it matter because he matters. I don’t actually know that much about Christian Bale. I know some random facts, like that he was married in Vegas, but I don’t know what kind of person he is. I don’t know if he’s nice, or naïve.  I don’t know if he’s considerate or condescending. And, in truth, I don’t really want to know. The reason he means so much to me is because some (SOME) of his characters mean so much to me. He’s been n movies that have completely reformed my brain. Some of the movies he’s been in mean more to me than he could possibly know. So my selfish, entitled teenage heart was broken when I realized that Christian Bale didn’t have the wedding my twisted mind dreamt up.

Newly Weds Source

Newly Weds
Source

But he’s been married to the same woman for 14 years, and they’re expecting their second child, so I mean, I guess he’s happy. And does it really matter if he got married in Vegas? No. If that’s what he wanted then that’s what he should do. We love to criticize and judge other people’s actions, but what would we have done in their shoes? A whirlwind marriage does have a sort or allure. And c’mon, Elvis? That’s not so bad. It’s better than some cranky priest. Besides, Christian Bale makes a lot of movies. He’s never shied away from something that was too tough or too challenging. I respect him. I adore his films. I don’t know where I would be without Jack “Cowboy” Kelly. So I should respect his choices. I know that in my life, I’ll make some choices that my mom will say “Don’t you ever,” to, and I know that I wouldn’t want people who look up to me saying “What the hell, man?” I’d want them to either say “Right on sister!” or get out of the way. There’s enough anger and disappointment in this world to add any more to.

Don’t forget the glitter- iamtheseventies.

Apr7

Royal Deceit (or The Worst Version of Hamlet I’ve Ever Seen)

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I know what you’re thinking. A movie review? But I though this was a blog about taking ugly things and making them pretty! Well, you’re not wrong. I’ve just decided to expand my horizons, that’s all. I’m applying my same mindset of taking one point of view and changing it into another to things like movies, music, actors, people, maybe even politics if I’m feeling dull. I often find that there’s a ray of light in an otherwise bleak background of a lame excuse for a feature film, and I thought that those little rays deserved a shout out, a  little love. (Even if it is a very small amount.)

Disclaimer! I’m not an expert on Shakespeare or Hamlet, in any of its forms, so don’t grade me too harshly on my brash recounting of on of the most famous plays of all time.

No, the other Hamlet. (Oh wait, it's Amled...) http://www.cinema.de/bilder/hamlet,1299434.html

No, the other Hamlet. (Oh wait, it’s Amled…)
http://www.cinema.de/bilder/hamlet,1299434.html

 

Royal Deceit (also known as The Prince of Jutland) takes Shakespeare’s Hamlet back to it’s original Danish roots, and not in a good way. The plot’s the same, but with some differences. The King of Jutland, (which is in Denmark) is murdered along with his eldest son by his greedy brother who them marries the newly widowed queen. The King’s younger son, Hamlet (wait, no, it’s Amled) apparently goes crazy but in reality is plotting his revenge against his uncle who is now his stepfather. It differs in that there isn’t a coinciding role for Ophelia, though Amled does roll in the hay with a nice lass before falling in love later on. It’s all very nice, with some off-screen battles and tom-foolery to boot.There are also differences in character names, (Gertrude- Geruth; Claudius- Fenge (don’t ask), as well as other not-so-important characters.) as well as in overall production and show. (As in bad production and a no show audience.)

The cast list is fair, with but to be honest, Christian Bale is really the only reason to watch this. He does the best with what he has playing Amled, who barks and crows shamelessly, but is not afraid to drop the act to drop his pants with some nice farm girl who might be a nod to Ophelia, but it’s doubtful since he forgets about this random girl (who Fenge sent to spy on Amled, but that backfired since she slept with him so…) and falls in love with some princess later on. Gabriel Byrne plays Fenge, but he always looks confused and worried. (Not that he doesn’t have reason to feel so.) Helen Mirren plays Geruth, the loving and timid mother of Amled and Queen of Jutland. She falls in love with her husband’s brother the day he murders him, then doesn’t speak to her madness-ridden child (her last surviving, I might add) until he comes out as sane to her. At which point she believes him fully and helps him burn his uncle and her new husband alive. So aside from believing everything she is told all the time by everyone and being a little bipolar, she’s an asset. There are some rough looking thugs backing up Fenge, but they mostly look like they want a drink. However, I recognized one of them (Ribold) from a TV show called The Tudors and another (Frovin) from Trainspotting, which is a favorite. Oh, and Tom Wilkinson and Andy Serkis showed up as other minor characters. And that chick that Amled falls in love with later on? Yeah, that was Kate Beckinsale, so can we really blame him for forgetting Farm Girl One after seeing the princess Ethel? (The correct answer is no, in case you were wondering.)

So despite a nicely rounded out cast, this was more of a flop than Newsies. (Sorry Christian.) They had all these cool things happen but they never showed them! A paranormal encounter, a war, a murder all were told to us by a narrator that reached bored at best. And yet, I can’t help but watch this movie over and over and over and over and- well, it’s quite terrible how many times I’ve seen this, actually. So why do I keep going back for more? Maybe it’s Bale’s hilariously passive aggressive speeches that sound crazy but allude to his father’s murder, stirring guilt and fear in the stomach of his uncle. Maybe it’s seeing Gollum hanging out with Spud, though the possibility of the two of them heading over to Mother Superior and shooting up isn’t such a stretch. Or Tom Wilkinson (who will forever be Lord Cornwallis from The Patriot in my mind) hanging out with the rest of these misfits. It’s pretty great. And I’m only marginaly ashamed at the fact that I can recite Amled’s “thieves” speech. Just a little sad. So if you’ve got Netflix, pop this ugly baby on and watch it out of the corner of your eye as you cook dinner. Who knows? Maybe you’ll fall in love with the stick-chewing, poor-script, excessive sobbing nature of this memorable flick. (or not)

Don’t forget the glitter- iamtheseventies.

For Your Enjoyment. 🙂

 

 

Mar30

The Germ Paradox

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“I think germs are ugly. I don’t like them because you can only kill 99%. There’s always that 1% that’s out to get you.”

Ahh, the germ paradox. So can we all just agree that yes, germs are ugly? Ok? Set? Good. Now onto the good stuff.

 

Let’s define germs, so that we’re all on the same page. For all intents and purposes, a germ is a disease-causing microorganism. Yes? Fine? Good. Like I’ve mentioned earlier in the week, some seriously awesome horror movies can be spawned off of this. But I’m pretty sure they’ve already done flicks on germs. (The Germ, Contagion, The Seventh Seal, etc.) But the scariest part of these skin peeling, nerves testing, gag reflex pushing movies is that more often than not, they are plausible. If not based on a true story. Take movies like Contagion for example. It’s a Hollywood-ized, romanticized, Damon-ized story that COULD ACTUALY HAPPEN. With all the travel and close contact we have today, spreading an airborne disease would be so easy it makes me want to crawl into a hole and never breath near another human again. Ever.

These theories are pretty mainstream, too. It’s not a secret that the best way to annihilate the human population of Earth is either: A) Nuclear War; B) Airborne Toxic Event; or C) Dragons. If I was going to take us out, I would choose option B. (Mostly because A is too expected, and C is too cliché) All you have to do is release a quick-mutating disease that is spread my contact or, even better, is airborne. Then you’re set. Just sit back and watch the world burn. Because if you’re planning something like this, then you don’t want money, fame, love, success. You just want to watch the world burn.

So how is all this nonsense a paradox? Well, in our race to cleanse ourselves of these disease causing germs, we have invented marvelous chemicals that you can spray all over your house, in your clothes, and even rub on your hands right before you eat. How wonderful! They are actually. Well, most of them. Where would we be without soaps and sanitation? If you said “The Black Plague” you are correct! I also would have accepted “Europe in the Dark Ages”. One of the reasons The Plague spread so fast was the lack of sanitation and the abundance of clothes sharing, (like with dead people). So now we wash our hands and don’t catch The Plague. But the one catch on all these great products is that little sticker that reads: Kills 99% of Germs! So while you’re washing your hands, killing off the 99%, that 1% is NOT DYING. In fact, they’re getting stronger, they’re becoming resilient. And in time that 1% will become the 99%, only the chemicals will only be able to kill the 1%.

The paradox is that whilst trying to destroy the germs that can harm us, we are making them stronger and harder to kill. Hence an eternal battle between humans and germs that we will never win because we can’t kill all the bacteria because we need bacteria to survive. Yet at he same time, germs are taking lives everyday. So where does it end? It doesn’t. That’s a paradox.

Don’t forget the glitter- iamtheseventies.